Celebrity Watch: Kanye see what a fool you’ve been?

Down. Kanye West

Have you heard of Kanye West? If not, CW would like to introduce him. He’s great value for money. In fact, CW would say that if you show an interest in just one celebrity this year, you should make it Kanye. Not only is he one of the biggest pop stars in the world, but he’s also like a one-man incident-generator. This week, at MTV’s VMA Awards, the 19-year-old country star Taylor Swift was awarded Best Female Video. Halfway through her tearful acceptance — eyes diamonded with tears — she was interrupted by Kanye bounding on-stage. “Yo, Taylor, I’m really pleased for you, and I’ma gonna let you finish,” West said, “but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time. ALL TIME. Just saying.”

Cameras cheerfully zoomed in on Beyonce’s expression, which said clearly “Jeez, keep me out of this, you gambolling lunatic”. Poor Swift looked broken-hearted. Her Princess Moment had been sluiced down with a cold hose.

Pretty much the whole world then tried to make up for Kanye’s behaviour. When Beyoncé later went up to collect her award, ironically, for Video of the Year (if only Kanye had known! He could have saved his Idiot Voucher for another event!), she invited Swift up to co-accept. Barack Obama — literally the President — referred to West as “a jackass,” which is pretty amazing, all things considered. I mean, he has to deal with terrorists, despots and wonks and yet the only person he’ s had to slap down is Kayne West; for making a teenage girl cry.

Still, at least this time, Kanye was attempting some dunder-headed chivalry toward Beyoncé. Last time he protested a decision was at the MTV Awards in 2006. When his video lost, he leapt on stage, shouting: “That video cost $1 million! Pamela Anderson was in it! If I don’t win, this show loses credibility!” CW dearly wishes that, when they’d fired Arlene from Strictly Come Dancing, they’d given the job to Kanye, instead.

Down. Phil Collins

Dolorous news from the world of percussion: Phil Collins — a man who wrote the brilliant Sussudio and In The Air Tonight, then junked all the accumulated public goodwill when a story went round that he’d divorced his wife by fax — is to give up drumming. Phil, 58, said: “I’ve got a condition that means I can’t play any more. My vertebrae is crushing my spinal cord because of the position I drum in. I can’t even hold the sticks without it being painful.” What a shame. What a poignant reminder of the bone-crumbling on-rush of time. Thank God Cadbury has trained up that gorilla, that’s what CW says.

Down. Paul Ross

Generally, CW is a great fan of the world. It thinks that human beings are fun. If CW had to review life, it would be the word “Brilliaaaaaant!”, shouted very loudly. CW’s boundlessly positive view increased this week on browsing the Amazon website, and finding this deathless objet on sale: a 20in canvas print of Paul Ross, the low-rent TV talking head and older, less successful brother of Jonathan. What delights CW is that the “customer reviews” section below has come to function by way of a convivial online inn. People like-minded in their amazement at the existence of such an item have gathered together, simply to enjoy each other’s company. “If you only buy one 20in canvas print of Paul Ross this year, make it this one,” Spike urges. Jason Thomas, meanwhile, notes that: “I recently had an horrific house fire and only had time to save two things — I chose this, and one of the twins!"

Up. Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor

According to an interview with Richard Burton’s niece, Sian Owen, Elizabeth Taylor would have remarried Richard Burton, were he still alive. “She says it would have been third time lucky,” Owen insists. It goes without saying that CW is a gigantic fan of Taylor and Burton. Not least because Burton had the best-ever pop at describing a man in the throes of going out of his mind over a woman: “She was so extraordinarily beautiful that I nearly laughed out loud. Her breasts were apocalyptic. They would topple empires before they withered. She was unquestionably gorgeous. She was lavish. She was a dark, unyielding largesse. She was, in short, too bloody much.”

By the time of the third wedding reception, however, CW suspect Burton’s speech would have been much more truncated: “She’s crackers, but with a bostin’ rack. Whadda dame,” and then beckoned in the vol-au-vents.

Down. Elton John

Sad news for Elton — his attempt to adopt a Ukrainian orphan has not only ended in rejection, but the added insult being dubbed “a sinner” by the Orthodox Ukrainian Church.

“Homosexual marriage is a sin, it’s against nature, it’s a dead end,” Father Georgy Gulyaev said, clearly more confident than CW would be about definitively stating that God really is against charitable millionaires in long-term relationships adopting children with HIV, who would otherwise spend their lives in an orphanage; seeing perhaps less than £10,000’s-worth of top-end floral arrangements before they reach the age of majority.

Down. Jessica Simpson

Simpson, the pretty US actress, has had a disasterous week. Her dog, Daisy, was snatched from her back garden by a coyote. And that, obviously, is not funny. Poor dog. Poor lady. Simpson’s subsequent actions, however, have been odd. She has been appealing for the return of the dog on Twitter, the social networking site unlikely to be subscribed to by many wild animals. Twitter does, however, have the kind of person who will log-in using a picture of Wile E. Coyote, and offer: “I have spotted the dog — I put it in a box marked Acme.”

Down. Susan Boyle

Boyle — the subject of National Obsession some five National Obsessions back, before Peter and Katie’s divorce, Michael Jackson’s death, the failure of Barbecue Summer, Oasis splitting and the fatal, systemic weakness of the new Strictly Come Dancing line-up — is on the move again. Specifically, with an appearance on America’s Got Talent. Managed by Simon Cowell, it seems that the Hairy Angel, as she was lovingly dubbed by the Daily Mail, is stepping up her career, although CW must admit to trifling doubts over Cowell’s micro-managing of her image. Asking Boyle to sing the Rolling Stones’ classic Wild Horses, CW couldn’t help but wonder as to the wisdom of giving someone who was taken to the Priory Clinic after behaving erratically in a hotel atrium the lines Wild horses/ Couldn’t drag me away.

Down. Jackiey Budden

The mother of the late Jade Goody, Budden has told OK! that she’s “finished” being a lesbian and has a boyfriend, Jason. Although CW sees that, for minor celebrities in a symbiotic relationship with the gossip press, the question: “Do you think it’s a good idea to sell intimate aspects of your life to a readership yelping out choice cuts across the call-centre floor?” would be met with “It’s four grand in the bank, mate!”, it does wonder about the ethics of OK! printing the following. Jackiey claims Jade’s ghost has approved her new relationship: “Jade would never have wanted me to be a sphincter.”

OK!: “Do you mean spinster?”

Jackiey: “Yes.”

OK! just isn’t being ... nice.

Down. OK magazine

Last week, CW conveyed the unhappy news that OK! — a magazine which seems as mad as Krystle Carrington when she got that brain tumour and stood on the landing, throwing plates, shouting “DINNER IS SERVED!” — had run a four-page spread on Celebrities' Sexual Traumas. Yes, a little souvenir of which celebrities have been raped.

It has followed this up with a four-page spread on Celebrity Grisly Discoveries. “From drowned corpses to Ripper victims, these stars have stumbled across some horrific sights,” the magazine promises, before cataloguing how Fatboy Slim regularly sees bloated corpses floating past the window of his seaside home. CW has to be frank — it doesn’t really know where an ostensibly light-hearted celebrity gossip magazine can go after rape and the Ripper. Is it going to be poo? It’s going to be poo, isn’t it? Next week must be the Celebrity Poo Special. Link...